Bearable
by FigFan
Summary: I’m not staying because I think you need help, or that you can’t handle it. I’m staying because I’m in love with you and I can’t see myself doing anything else.


Title: Bearable Author: FigFan Rating: R.. cause Abby says some naughty words. Bad Abby. Summary: Post-TMWIH Spoilers: Season 9. The story behind the story: Yeah, I wrote this like.. 2 hours after "Tell me Where it Hurts" aired. There was this little Abby in my head who just kept yelling at me until I dragged my butt out of bed and wrote it all down. Disclaimer: Not mine. Yeah, especially cause the whole first chunk of this IS the last scene from TMWITH.. but yknow.. the rest is mine!  
  
Feedback is a girls best friend. FigFan2002@yahoo.com  
  
-------------------------------------------------------- I can feel him come in before he actually does.  
  
"Hey."  
  
I turn slightly and give him a small smile.  
  
"I've been calling you" "I was on the phone." "Did you ever reach him?"  
  
I shake my head ever so slightly. I never really expected to get a hold of him; it was just a fleeting hope in my mind. I saw this coming, and I didn't do a damn thing about it. Great big sister I am.  
  
He looks at his watch and then back at me. "Might have to wait until morning.I got some fish and chips from Brennan's."  
  
He holds up the bag and retreats to the kitchen as I call out, "I'm not hungry."  
  
I can see him from the corner of my eye. Walking into the kitchen, seeing the bottle of wine and the full glass on the table, looking back at me. I hate being judged. Although he has every right to. I roll my eyes slightly and get up to justify myself.  
  
"I bought it on the way home from work. It took me an hour to get it out of the bag, and another 45 minutes to pour a glass and I still haven't had a sip."  
  
I pick up the bottle and start fidgeting with the cork. I don't think I can form coherent thoughts. My mind is racing, and I just let everything spill out. Coherent or not.  
  
". I just wanted. everything to stop. Y'know, to stop thinking and-"  
  
"Hey, hey, hey, hey." He cuts me off, takes the bottle from my hand and pulls me to him. The warmth engulfs me and it clears my head.  
  
Except now that my head is clear, all the emotions I've repressed all day come crashing over me. I snake my arms around his waist, needing the physical contact. Immediately he squeezes me tighter.  
  
God, how I need this.  
  
I bury my head further into his chest and say the most truthful thing I've said all day. "I'm so glad you're home."  
  
Another squeeze, and this time his hand starts gently running over my back. When he finally talks, his voice is no louder than me.  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry... I wanted you to be wrong. For both of you."  
  
I close my eyes tighter and listen to the sound of his voice mixed with his steady heartbeat.  
  
I don't deserve this. I don't deserve him. I have a fucked up mother, a fucked up brother, and I'm not exactly stable myself. I shake my head a bit, kiss his chest, and break away.  
  
"My family's so screwed up."  
  
I hesitate a bit before continuing. He should have every chance to get the hell out of here, out of this nightmare. But my mouth and my mind say two different things.  
  
"If I were you I would run for my life and never look back."  
  
don't go. please don't leave me.  
  
He slings his coat over a chair and sits down next to me. "You don't hold the monopoly on screwed up families. You've met my mother."  
  
I appreciate his attempt at humor. I just don't know where it's going.  
  
"She's not certifiable."  
  
"I have an idea. We should get them all together for the holidays. Gamma, my parents, your mother.."  
  
We both chuckle a bit. Laughing feels good. But once again, that emotion is short lived.  
  
"I'm really scared for him, Carter." My voice has dropped to a whisper again.  
  
And once again, he matches my tone. "I know..."  
  
I can feel the tears coming, and I hold them back with all my strength. And yet, I keep talking.  
  
"And it's so unfair. Cause he was such a good kid. And we went through so much growing up."  
  
He scoots closer and starts rubbing my back.  
  
". and I thought I got him through... I thought he was safe." My voice hitches a bit on this last part, and Carter takes this as his cue to talk.  
  
"He's gonna get all the helping he needs now. We're going to make sure he does. Nothing that you did, or didn't do would have prevented this."  
  
I know what he's saying is true, but that doesn't stop anything. I nod and rub my hands over my face, wiping away the few tears that threaten to fall.  
  
"It's just that Eric... He was the only constant thing in my life... he was. he was the only thing I could ever really count on."  
  
The pain and sadness I see reflected in his eyes threaten tears even more. I have no right to drag him into this. My family, my problems. He looks down and his voice drops to a whisper.  
  
"That's not true anymore." He looks back up at me.  
  
"Promise? Because I really need something to hang on to.right now." I barely make my way through the sentence, and the desperation in my voice must be evident.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Our eyes lock for the first time during the whole conversation, and it's too much for me to bear. I can't fight it anymore. I let the tears fall and the sobs start wracking my body.  
  
He reaches for my hand and I crawl into his lap. My one hand remains in his while the other balls up the material of his shirt. My face is buried in the crook of his neck, my tears falling down and soaking his shoulder. He rocks me ever so slightly while his free hand rubs my back. He alternates between whispering to me and kissing the top of my head.  
  
I'm afraid to let go. If I let go, this will all go away. He'll go away. And I'll get sucked under again.  
  
He's keeping me afloat.  
  
So I grip his hand tighter and squeeze my eyes shut. I don't know how long I'm there, but eventually the tears slow down. I look up at him and then climb off the chair.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
"Follow me," I whisper.  
  
I head out of the kitchen and back to the couch. All I want to do is be near him right now, and the couch just seems like a better place for that.  
  
We sink into the cushions and I wrap myself around him again. He squeezes me tight, and for a fleeting moment I can almost believe that things are going to turn out alright.  
  
I'm emotionally drained, yet there's one more that keeps dancing around in my head. It's overwhelming, suffocating, engulfing me with every breath I take.  
  
It's love.  
  
I love him. I'm in love with him.  
  
I lazily draw circles on his chest with my hand and breathe in his scent. No man in his right mind would stick around a girl with so much baggage. But he is. And that's something amazing.  
  
"John?"  
  
He looks down at me with concern. I rarely call him that. He's just. Carter. My Carter.  
  
"I love you."  
  
He kisses my forehead. "I know." He tilts my chin up so he can see me.  
  
"I want to promise you that this will all get easier, but I can't. And it kills me, but we both know that this won't magically go away. But I'm not going anywhere, and that's a promise I can keep. I'm not staying because I think you need help, or that you can't handle it. I'm staying because I'm in love with you and I can't see myself doing anything else."  
  
He leans in and kisses me. It's gentle, reassuring.  
  
But I need more right now.  
  
I push him down so he's flat on the couch and deepen the kiss. He instinctively responds and I can feel the space between us shrink. This is what I need right now. For everything to go away. I break the kiss and start to move one of my hands under his shirt, but he grasps it and intertwines our fingers.  
  
"Not tonight." His other hand moves and brushes the hair away from my face.  
  
I nod in understanding. He's right. So instead I snuggle back down next to him and take solace in the warmth. His hands are running up and down my forearms and once again I can't believe how lucky I am. With all the shit in my life, I finally believe that there is something-someone I can count on.  
  
"I really do love you."  
  
He smiles at me. "Yeah."  
  
I must have dozed off, because the next time I come to I'm in bed. Carter has fallen asleep next to me, as always, one arm protectively draped over my stomach and the other behind my neck.  
  
I lie there and think for awhile, and then cry myself back to sleep. It's impossible not to. My mother is still my mother, and my brother is still sick, and I'm going to have to wake up tomorrow and deal with it all from square one again.  
  
But when you have someone next to you who knows exactly when to squeeze you tighter even while he's asleep.  
  
Well that just makes it a lot more bearable. 


End file.
